This Beauiful Life

Not a great start to the new year, its becoming harder and harder to lift one's sprits when you are losing hold of yourself. My favourite season of the year is soon approaching its end, as i watched the last of the rain washed away all that is old and expired to make room for the new and the now, a sense of despair sets in. Dark and gloomy thoughts proliferate; Life. This is life. This is LIFE? Excuse me but i was told that you are beautiful, that you are dear, that you bring promises, and that you are, too, very huggable indeed. The shitty thing is, i was prepared for all of the above, i was pretty sure that my ma and pa wouldnt lie. I do remember a time where you were loveable and all that. The year was 1986, it was 6.45 am, I was eight then, i was waiting for the school bus, it was a beautiful morning, the hibiscus were in bloom, large, beautiful, red things. I couldnt wait to go to school, more honestly, I couldnt wait to show my friends my new Transformer pencil case, and at recess time, we were going to play hopscotch, and the losers had to buy the winners ice-cream! At times i wondered if i could die from an overdose of happiness, like on Sundays, where they played Smurfs and Donald Duck cartoons on television. Everyday was merry. I was happy. I was hopeful.

What happened Life? Ohh yes, i grew up, that much i recalled, and you, you became ugly. And suddenly everyone's saying that you are hard, you stink like they knew it all the while. Why didnt they tell me before? I would have been better prepared then, or would I? I am 20 fucking 7, well, not yet but soon. What have i accomplished? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. What am i good at? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Who am I? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. The year is 2006. 7.10 am, i am waiting for the company bus, it is a rainy morning, the hibiscus are in bloom, large, beautiful, red things. I heard a voice in my head: "throw yourself at the next vehicle that comes along. do it. go on." I am scared, terrified. Surely this is not the only way out. I am not going to be miserable forever. I'll be happy again. I want to. I have to. I will figure it out. I will be well again. Must try harder. Must not give in.

There is so much to look forward to, things to see, places to go, dreams to fulfil, people to love. Trees and birds and rainbows and smoking chimneys. Tell me that you are beautiful. Life. Show me your beauty.