The fool on April's Day

Of all the cliches about life, the one i am most averse to would be that it goes on. That there are no catastrophe too devastating, no parting too unbearable, and no death too painful that it stops life from going on. We're allowed to grieve for a period of time and once the tears have been shed and the loss has been mourned, we are all expected to snap out of it because like it or not, life goes on. We acknowledge that some things are the way they are and even though we dont always understand them, we accept them. Illnesses, deaths, break-ups, loss, loneliness and the like, most of us find a way to deal with them, eventually. Maybe it's me, i let myself get too attached much too easily. I've allowed myself to grow accustomed to things, places and people even though i know they are carcinogenic.

They do show up when you least expect them to. The happy couple. It doesnt matter how vivid your imagination or how often you've played the scene in your head, your bastion collapsed and you shattered into pieces. I've recited the lines a million times in my head, how i would act, the subtle smile and the graceful delivery of my words. And all i could managed was a feeble wave of my hand whilst shaking in my skates, and with bated breath and trembling limbs, floated away without a second glance. The first has done irreparable harm. It took away the last of my tiniest fantasies. That he could still be hung up on me like i am on him, that i did creep into his thoughts every now and then or how i imagined him laying on the deck chair next to mine, soaking in the wondrous sun, sand and sea of paradise Phuket. At times like these i wonder if it's someone's divine idea of a joke. Of all places, of all days and of all times. If I had any sense at all, i should have called dibs on the places we frequented, times of the day and songs we listened to, except that there is no "we" anymore. My dearest you, I didnt wait around for a "hello" not because i didnt want to, but because i couldnt.

These days i hang on to one thought. I hang on to it fervently and unweariedly. Quoting Iris in The Holiday - And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new... and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.