1. I have once peed in a public place. 2. I can sleep more than 16 hours a day if i want to. 3. I have sweaty palms and feet. 4. I dont like taking showers on rainy days. 5. I try to hold my bladder for as long as i can stand it whilst doing chores and when i do expel, feel a great sense of satisfaction. 6. I feed my friends' dogs junk food when they arent looking all the time. 7. I secretly obsessed about marrying movie stars, this week, its Paul Newman version 1967. 8. I have had a crush on a lesbian once. 9. I dig my nose in the shower everyday. 10. Bras make me feel uncomfortable and i dont like wearing them.
Time wounds, all heals. Some days i still miss him, and it still hurts an awful lot. But i'm getting better with each passing day. I still can't bring myself to trash the letters that he wrote, nor delete his text messages and emails from my inbox. Maybe i dont have to, perhaps one can still move on while holding onto the stuff that means something to them. I still feel the urge to write him every now and then, i still look wistfully at the gates to his apartment every time i drive past. I still can't stand to hear his voice, nor entertain the prospect of seeing him, but all's well. For the first time in a long while, i can feel my heart beating steadily. I might even take that trip to Norway in June, i just might. :)
Of all the cliches about life, the one i am most averse to would be that it goes on. That there are no catastrophe too devastating, no parting too unbearable, and no death too painful that it stops life from going on. We're allowed to grieve for a period of time and once the tears have been shed and the loss has been mourned, we are all expected to snap out of it because like it or not, life goes on. We acknowledge that some things are the way they are and even though we dont always understand them, we accept them. Illnesses, deaths, break-ups, loss, loneliness and the like, most of us find a way to deal with them, eventually. Maybe it's me, i let myself get too attached much too easily. I've allowed myself to grow accustomed to things, places and people even though i know they are carcinogenic.
They do show up when you least expect them to. The happy couple. It doesnt matter how vivid your imagination or how often you've played the scene in your head, your bastion collapsed and you shattered into pieces. I've recited the lines a million times in my head, how i would act, the subtle smile and the graceful delivery of my words. And all i could managed was a feeble wave of my hand whilst shaking in my skates, and with bated breath and trembling limbs, floated away without a second glance. The first has done irreparable harm. It took away the last of my tiniest fantasies. That he could still be hung up on me like i am on him, that i did creep into his thoughts every now and then or how i imagined him laying on the deck chair next to mine, soaking in the wondrous sun, sand and sea of paradise Phuket.At times like these i wonder if it's someone's divine idea of a joke. Of all places, of all days and of all times. If I had any sense at all, i should have called dibs on the places we frequented, times of the day and songs we listened to, except that there is no "we" anymore. My dearest you, I didnt wait around for a "hello" not because i didnt want to, but because i couldnt.
These days i hang on to one thought. I hang on to it fervently and unweariedly. Quoting Iris in The Holiday - And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new... and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
